Growing Pains

I used to feel really sorry for people that didn't have children. They just didn't know what they were missing I thought. That amazing bond you have. The smell of your new baby in your arms. The proud moments through out their little lives.

Of course there's the long nights where they don't sleep, the feeling that your nipples are going to fall off any second and the tormenting threes (so much worse than the twos).

But then, then there is the heart breaking twenties. WHY did I never know about these years? The years where you have to sit back and watch your kids take their lives in their own hands. The years where you sit back and scream NO DON'T MAKE THAT MISTAKE I MADE!!!

The year where you cry in the car all the way home from work because your child is never going to have that life you dreamed of. The college degree, the good job, the college educated and well employed handsome husband that puts up with her shit and loves her unconditionally. The babies that would come some day after she's started a career that allows her to take time off work to take care of her baby. Retirement, benefits that are worth something and paid vacation time. We might as well thow in the pretty yellow house with the picket fence to complete the daydream.

NEVER in my wildest dreams did I think I'd be pleading for my kid to just take one college class. I know you think you'll take classes next year but I know next year will never come. NEVER did I think my child would move hours away let alone ACROSS THE COUNTRY for her lesbian lover with the gauged ears who has dropped out or failed out of college four times. NEVER did I think that she'd be working retail and think that's the future.

I may be dying inside a tiny bit. AGAIN. I know it's not about me. I know it's her time to grow up and make her own decisions. I know.

But I can't help but mourn all those things I hoped for in the future and I know will never be.