Dumb Dumb De Dumb

I'm starting to think I should just not talk to my oldest anymore. It always starts off nice, like hey how's it going and then by the time we are done I'm either pissed off or crying or both.

I swear she finds something to rattle my cage every time I talk to her. I wonder if she just waits until I seem relaxed so that she can fuck up my day.

Today she tells me that her and her girlfriend are getting MARRIED next year. In Washington DC. Because gay marriage is not legal in the state that she lives in probably.

So how am I supposed to react to this? I know I should be all HAPPY but FUCK NO I'm not happy. I'm pissed OFF.  And sad and depressed.

Which I know make me a horrible person, but who really wants their 20 year old daughter to get married, even if it was to a man? Definitely not me. I so wanted so much more for my kids.

I guess it was too much to want them to go to college, get a degree, a good job, and then you know, marry someone of the opposite sex so that some day when I'm old I could have some grandkids.

All that shot out the window. Now we've got a kid that moved across the country, is gay, works a crappy retail job and because I flipped the fuck out IS still taking a couple college classes ONLINE. The girlfriend is not going to college and is perfectly ok with working retail for the rest of her life making a couple more bucks than minimum wage.

Yes I know it could be worse. She could be strung out on drugs living in the street and I not even know where she is. Or sick or dying or something. Yes I should love her no matter what. Yes I know all that. And I do, I really do love her but is it too much to ask to just talk about the weather and some non deep issues that make me cry and eat puffed Cheetos I found in the top of the cupboard?

Yep that's my relative

Weird things that have happened lately.

My step brother's house caught on fire.
I only found out about this because my other brother works down the street from the house (they aren't related at all) and sent me a text telling me. I sent my step mom a text asking if step brother was ok and she never responded. I sent step brother a text and got no answer. Eventually it was Father's Day and I called my Dad and he pretty much told me he didn't want to talk about it. He did say that he was ok and wasn't living with him.

Taking things into my own fingers I hit the www and looked up arrests in our county and there he was. Something about domestic abuse with serious injury and a bunch of other charges, some of which where vague and probably meant he beat up his girl friend and set the house on fire.

Now I don't know about you but I think that it would have been nice to find out what happened from a family member instead of having to assume things on my own.

Just one more time that I'm reminded that I'm not really apart of their family.

In other news, my cousin's baby momma (other side of the family but equally as charming)  sent me a message to call her last weekend. When I called her it sounded like she was talking with her phone in her mouth but I got out something about her little boy being sexually abused by an 8 year old and that she wanted to have him spend more time with family.

So on Monday her little boy was over playing with my mom and I went over there for a bit. She was off running an errand to the bank but got there after I was only there for a few minutes. Apparently she's worried about something happening to her and no one being there to take care of her son. She's worried about him going into foster care if someone (gang member dad) knocks her off for reporting their 8 year old for sexually assaulting her 3 year old.

Sadly I was happy she asked my mom before she asked me because how do you say no to something like that? But I really don't want to raise another kid. Mine are finally at the age where they ignore me unless they want food or money. I have no problems with being an auntie but stand in mom sounds like too much work. Of course I'd do it if I had to, but lets just hope that no one takes her out.

Growing Pains

I used to feel really sorry for people that didn't have children. They just didn't know what they were missing I thought. That amazing bond you have. The smell of your new baby in your arms. The proud moments through out their little lives.

Of course there's the long nights where they don't sleep, the feeling that your nipples are going to fall off any second and the tormenting threes (so much worse than the twos).

But then, then there is the heart breaking twenties. WHY did I never know about these years? The years where you have to sit back and watch your kids take their lives in their own hands. The years where you sit back and scream NO DON'T MAKE THAT MISTAKE I MADE!!!

The year where you cry in the car all the way home from work because your child is never going to have that life you dreamed of. The college degree, the good job, the college educated and well employed handsome husband that puts up with her shit and loves her unconditionally. The babies that would come some day after she's started a career that allows her to take time off work to take care of her baby. Retirement, benefits that are worth something and paid vacation time. We might as well thow in the pretty yellow house with the picket fence to complete the daydream.

NEVER in my wildest dreams did I think I'd be pleading for my kid to just take one college class. I know you think you'll take classes next year but I know next year will never come. NEVER did I think my child would move hours away let alone ACROSS THE COUNTRY for her lesbian lover with the gauged ears who has dropped out or failed out of college four times. NEVER did I think that she'd be working retail and think that's the future.

I may be dying inside a tiny bit. AGAIN. I know it's not about me. I know it's her time to grow up and make her own decisions. I know.

But I can't help but mourn all those things I hoped for in the future and I know will never be.

Why choose the easy way when you can do it the hard way.

So just your normal Sunday. Working on cleaning my room and then my daughter sends me like 6 text messages that she needs me to call her. When she answers she's crying because she is fighting with her room mate and just wants to quit school.

Uh what? Uh fuck no!

I am $15k in debt for parent loans for her which include this semester that just started. You can just suck it up for three months and pass your fucking classes.

Then you can move across the ocean to your new girl friend and life can be happy.

Why is it that when we are young we think we have all the answers to make ourselves happy? When really nothing is going to make you fucking happy if you are not a happy person. Hindsight being all 20/20 and all that, I'd stay in school and live the easy life of just going to classes vs. moving out on my own across the the country where I'm going to have to work my ass off to make it.

But of course you can't tell kids anything they have to venture out and learn everything on their own, breaking your heart into little tiny pieces along the way.

ugh

I'm pretty sure I'm working on an ulcer this morning.

I actually got up an hour earlier than normal because I am too stressed out to sleep. AWESOME.  I just have this dread feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'm thinking that's not a good thing?

So my oldest came home from her trip to see her new girlfriend. She's all worked up about how she is going to move there. I told her last week that if she wants to move there she will be on her own. I'm not paying for her to move, she's not taking the car I'm making payments on, and I'm not paying for her college.

Since she has no job we'll see how that works out. Maybe it will be the motivation she needs to be a full fledged grown up.

We shall see!

I can't hardly even talk to her without her being defensive. I'm kind of hoping she goes back to school today or tomorrow. Her next semester starts on Wednesday. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells and she's only been home about 10 hours.

Cue Whining

I got in a big fight with my boss the other day. I emailed her for two days I needed to take off in March and I got back this email about how no one is going to be allowed time off in March (through July) because of deadlines. I told her that I had already invested a bunch of money into it so I had to have the two days off (a Friday and a Monday). She told me that I should check first before I commit to things I can't get a refund on. Are you fucking kidding me? I'm giving you two and a half months notice for a Friday and a Monday off and you are making a big deal about it? I told her in the future I'll just call in sick since every time I ask for a day off way in advance I get this "we've got to make deadlines" crap. Fuck the deadlines, I need a vacation.

Yesterday I went to the dentist and managed to not lose my shit on them like I seem to do every time I go in there. I don't know what it is about that place but they always manage to piss me off. I'm sure they all think I'm fucking crazy. Sometimes I think I might be a little crazy too.

BUT they actually didn't piss me off about anything. The sad part is I have to go back next week to get FIVE fillings. I'm really not even that sad about getting five fillings though because I thought I'd have to get a root canal or two and some inlay/on lay things. Just getting fillings seems pretty small compared to those!

After the dentist I had to pick up a kid who was hanging out in the park. So unlike her to hang out outside of her bedroom and a book so I was like sure you can go hang out with friends after school. She was chewing mint gum when I picked her up and in the back of my mind I was thinking I hope that's not to cover up cigarettes or something. I'm pretty sure it wasn't but I wasn't born yesterday either.

When we got home I did a rush to do my exercise and then we went to meet our friends at the bar. Which went great but after they left I kind of downloaded on the hubby a bit about him not responding to me when I sent him a song. I was trying to be all like, romantic and shit being all, oh I love you this song is for you. And then I get back fucking crickets. No mention of it at all. I'm like well gee glad I put myself out there and you don't even fucking care. How hard is it to send a text back and say thanks or something?

I had also texted him telling him about my boss giving me shit about the day off and :crickets:

When he got home from work I was telling him about something nice that happened at work and he was looking at me while I was talking to him but when I was done he just turned his head back to the tv. Didn't say a thing. I'm like WTF? You can't even comment?

So yeah anyways, last night after a few drinks at the bar and our friends left I totally downloaded on him telling him how crappy of a husband he was. I kind of feel bad about it now. I mean he is a good husband and does do a lot of things for me but they are small things and then when just ignores me the small things seem smaller and the ignoring things seems so much bigger.

I'm sure he's stressed out about something at work or something and that's why he's being this way but god damn it give me some attention. I guess that's what it's all about. I need sex (it's been 11 days and obviously I didn't get laid after being mean to him). Batteries only carry you so far.

Sucks.

So yesterday I got the mail on the way home and looks like I won't have to clean anything for a visit from my dad. My step mom sent us a gift card and the kid checks in the mail. Not even in a Christmas card.

I know I sound ungrateful but if it wasn't for the kids I think I would have just sent them back.

Will they some day realize it's time I want not gifts? They probably already know and don't even care.

So their presents are sitting under my tree. What do I do with them? Drop them off? I think I might just opened them up and use them myself. I'm so glad I put so much effort into looking for things I thought they might like and enjoy.